Have you ever felt like you were alone when you were in a relationship?
Have you ever been alone when you are around others?
What does this mean? I have a marriage, one that is tied for the eternities. I have made covenants to my God and my husband that I will be with him through eternity. Yet...
I am looking at my relationship thinking it is over...it is past help. He tells me he doesn't want to be around me. He has created a world where I can do NO RIGHT. I am one. I work. I contribute. I have worked the whole relationship, yet I am told I have not contributed. I have said I wanted him to man up. Step up and take the wheel. He will not. It scares him to be the man. He has failed before, he will not try again. I crawl forward, carrying my husband and load of life. I crawl, I slither. I do not move. I stagnate. I fall...because I have no one to help me up, I lay there. I look at myself, think, new place, leave. I cannot carry him and me. He is supposed to carry himself, and together we carry our lives. There is no together. I have been touched one time in 3 months. 1 TIME; 3 MONTHS. DO you know how I crave the touch of a man? One who will just want me, who will touch me and hold me?. I CRAVE. I fantasized for a while. That worked, but they no longer work. I get the most human contact through my Kuk Sool class. Fantasies carry me so far...at one time I could imagine the feel of a man's hands on me. Now, I lack even that. How do people go through life without having a human touch? Contact that lets you know you matter. You are real. I wonder if I am real sometimes. My married life gets so far away from what I imagined a married life to be. I feel numb. I vibrate around one. I come alive around one. I find myself creating a moment whenever I can. I stay away. I do not want to want. I vibrate. It is amazing the way I feel. It cannot be. I have no right. I do. I don't. Now, what do I do when I want so bad?
My life has closed in on me. I feel as if I am in a room with a window and I m defending through the window. I cannot defend against all because I cannot see beyond the window view. How do I open my doors and see the full picture so I can know, defend, and gain?
I need...
I am alone. I cry.
